​Sunday musings - June 13, 2021
Pretty as pretty does


The President of the United States is currently embarked on a trip overseas with the primary mission of repairing what many world leaders perceive as broken relationships.  It could be an opportunity to begin to establish more honest, mutually respectful relationships.   It could be an opportunity to present the United States as a nation made up of humans with a history of teenage like arrogance; a history of suggesting that if all nations and people were as righteous as the United States all would be well on this planet.   True, the United States has, at times,  been a kind and helpful neighbor; sometimes because it was the right thing to do and often because the intent was to benefit the United States or to point out to other nation how bad they were and good we were.   We in the United States have contributed much to industrial operations, the arts and education.  Yet, if we are honest, we have achieved much of our success on the backs of indigenous people, imported slaves, and, immigrants who were fleeing injustice, poverty and oppression. As is true with others in the larger world we have created universities, libraries, museums, and symphonies with the money of people (mostly men) whose wealth was created in a system dependent on what is now euphemistically referred to as the one per cent.  It is true many people managed to craft what is termed a middle-class life; often while supporting a system which overtly and covertly supported racist and sexist policies.  This system has given many of us central heat, air conditioning, dishwashers, automatic washing machines, indoor plumbing, an extensive wardrobe, and access to some of the best stocked refrigerators in the world. Success has often been defined as more without acknowledging the cost to human relationships.


News coverage now broadcast our more complex history to all the world. Despite political rhetoric of “America First” or “Restore America” our nakedness is daily seen by the entire world.  We are simply one more nation of very flawed humans.   Many of us continue to attempt to hide that fact while others are sincerely ready to face the discomfort of working a 12-step recovery program as communities: to face that the emperor has no clothes


Grandma Fannie was fond of saying, “Pretty is as pretty does.”   While Grandma Fannie enjoyed getting “gussied up” in her Sunday going to church clothes as much as any other person all knew this was the same woman who wore homemade “house dresses” most of the time.  She was the woman who welcomed the stranger, fed the multitudes who showed up for  extended family gatherings, and poured coffee from the  seemingly self-replenishing coffee pot.  Grandma Fannie liked pretty things and kept them in the closed off formal living room when in their later years she and Grandpa Ed built a house which housed such a room. Yet she knew she was still just a hardworking, quilt making, egg collecting woman who canned the food with which she would feed the multitude.  


I am not suggesting that Grandma Fannie was challenging Jesus or The Buddha.  She was quite aware of her own shortcomings, but her resolve to live “pretty is as pretty does” was the center of her daily prayer.


I as an individual and we as a country could do no better than to take the next step in humility  andx clarity of purpose by joining others in a human experiment to be pretty as pretty does.


Thanks again Grandma Fannie for nudging us forward.


Written  June 13, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

Homo bonding


Since it is pride month in much of the United States and some other countries it seems appropriate to think about the fear of homosexuality among many religions, cultures and individual men.  One might think because of the amazing advances in the legal acceptance of the LGBT+ community in many places the fear of perceived differences in oneself and others might be relegated to the history books.  Yet it seems, especially among we men, there continues to be significant fear of same sex relationship or any behavior which does not fit neatly into the roles which many cultures and religions assign to males and females.  As most of us know, the fear of same sex relationships always had to do with the fear of we men that we have no intrinsic worth; that our worth has to be measured in perceived power over rather than power with.  In order to feel as if we are worthwhile we males have to be more powerful than females and other males.  Historically we have measured power by the social constructs of  gender, money, tribe, race, goods, size, titles and a host of other superficial characteristics.  (It is also true that many women have been taught to complete with other women, but on the whole, women do much better with working with other women.)


Even those who profess a belief in a God which assumes an intrinsic human worth, as did Jesus, the concept of intrinsic worth remains elusive.  The belief in being the “man of the house” and having “wives submitting to husbands” can be heard in subtle and not so subtle ways throughout most cultures.


With relatively few exceptions, even the language we males use for our important friendships reflect the fear of not being enough.  We men “bond”.  Women nurture, take care of each other, play together, are affectionate with each other, cry and laugh with each other with little concern they are going to diminish their worth if their love for other women is obvious.  Friendship of women for other women is seldom suspect as sexual except by males. 
Women will just hang out together.  We males frequently need an activity to justify our spending time together.  Thus, we meet for golf, a drink, a men’s religious breakfast gathering, a volunteer activity, boating, skiing, poker, or some other activity.  Seldom will we hear a man say that he and his male friend are spending time together for emotional reasons.  In fact, we males may avoid situations which would naturally evoke a strong emotion such as gratitude, fear, love, or grief.


Often we men delegate the selection and purchasing of gifts, cards and other symbols of nurturing to the women in our lives. 


Gay or trans males do not have the option of delegating the nurturing tasks to women unless, of course, they are still living with a female friend or relative.  While it may be true that some gay relationships (as well as lesbian relationship) divide the relationship dynamics into traditional male and female tasks, for the most part, they recognize there are just tasks to be done.  (It must be admitted that there are gay males who choose a male partner who is much younger so they can continue to prove their worth by being the dominant partner. However not all gay relationships which have a significant difference in ages are chosen for that reason.)


Most of us are not particularly interested if a person is actually bisexual, transsexual or asexual but in the power dynamic between particular persons.  Most gay males are not intimidated by a female boss or a female who makes more money. Healthy males do not work out at the gym to prove their physical superiority to men or women.   We just want to be as healthy as possible. 


A friend of mine recently remarked that there seems to be a trend for GLBT+ pride events to become simply celebrations as if the fight for GLBT rights was just about being able to openly love each other. It is important to be able to openly love and care for each other.  Yet, homophobia has never been about how or who we love. It has been about how we prove our worth as men; about economic systems and how we care (or do not care) for each other; about how resources are shared; about how we interact with Mother Earth; about what gives us worth as humans living in harmony or disharmony with all other life.   My friend remarked that the danger is that we only celebrate and forget to march; that we act as if GLBT+ rights is about just loving each other rather than creating a more just and inclusive world; about repairing the fragile egos of us humans, especially we males.


Written June 11, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

Sexual behavior and laws


All living creatures reproduce.  Many creatures reproduce without direct contact with each other or at least without a physical act having to take place.  Plants may have an intermediary such as the bee or a bird.  Many creatures enjoy intimate sexual connections without regard for reproduction or even gender.   Only humans seem to have a plethora of rules about sexual contact although, to be fair, some creatures are programmed to limit sexual contact. There are a few creatures which are programmed to die after sex and/or feeding their young. Some, such as the eel, have managed to keep their sex lives secret even from research scientists.  We humans are sexual from birth although puberty does not arrive until age 9 to 14. Our desire to physically connect and to experience a release is clearly not limited to the need for procreation.


Us humans seem both obsessed with and frightened of our sexual desires. There was a time in human history when many groups had a relaxed attitude towards sexual interaction while maintaining a deep respect the right to not be forced to have unwanted sexual connections or any physical contact and were committed to community responsibility for child rearing.    There were those who believed that males had a limited number of sperm and, thus, given the rate of deaths during childbirth, same sex behavior and masturbation was prohibited.  Once microscopes and other scientific instruments were invented the abundance of male sperm for most males was discovered.  Yet, the same lies about masturbation and same sex behavior was promoted; often by religious groups.   


Age of consent for sexual behavior has varied and continues to be different in various states of the United States and in various countries.   Some states have complicated rules proscribing when teenager can legally have sex with each other. 


Many factors affect what rules are in effect regarding sexual behavior.  These include:


·       Ability to give consent including age, mental/impaired state.         
·       Attitudes and beliefs of adults responsible for/guardians for those who are not of legal age to decide.
·       Personal belief systems and the extent to which politicians and religious leaders can impose their beliefs/fears on the community at large.
·       Power relationships and the beliefs about how long the dynamics of those power relationships last.  For example, some professional health care organizations and academic organization have a rule that a professional always has dominant power position even if 5, 20 or 50 years have passed.  Other specify a time period following the structured professional relationship.
·       Personal likes or dislikes of politicians and other community leaders. In most states of the United States sex for pay is illegal but in Nevada there are licensed sex workers,   In some states or communities sex clubs are quietly tolerated.
·       Views about where and when one can engage in sexual activity or view pornography.  In the United States one can be arrested and put on a sexual offenders lists for watching what is defined as child pornography.   This might include watching any pornography involving pre and post pubescent children.
·       Sexual contact which is physically forced or sex which is cohered in any manner - physical force, date rate pills, being drunk, or power inequity.
·       Sexual contact with an underage person who lied about their age.


           
A few facts:


·       Depending on what one reads, 90% or more of forced sexual  relationships are with a family member or other known person.
·       While it may be true that if there were no viewers there would be no child pornography the fact that it is such a huge financially successful business means that something is at the root of this attraction and/or definition of child pornography.  Us humans seems very fond of viewing symptoms and not looking for root causes.
·       The definition of child or consent varies from state to state and country to country.No one consciously or intentionally has a compulsive need to sexually be attracted to or use very young children and infants.  The primary diagnosis is mental illness and not criminal behavior.
·       Some cultures successfully honor the sexual nature of children and develop safe, proscribed rituals to honor those feelings.
·       The United States publicly uses reference to sex and sexual fantasies to sell food, autos and ,any other products in this culture.
·       We design, create and purchase clothes which deliberately sexualize young children and adults.
·       Sexual addiction is not primarily about sex although it affects people sexually. It is about addiction and needs to be treated as such.  Addiction to pornography and other sexual behavior can be successfully treated although we are in early stages of the treatment of all forms of addictive behavior.
·       With over a million people on the sexual offenders lists in the United States and billions more buying and watching all forms of pornography we need to identify what is truly harmful  as well as  the etiology of the widespread, worldwide attraction to what is broadly defined as child pornography.
·       Current sexual offender laws do not distinguish between behavior which is truly dangerous and that which one may dislike or disagree.An extremely large percentage of those on the sexual offenders list pose no danger to anyone in the community.
·       Treating people as pariahs/throwaways has not proven to decrease dysfunction or undesirable behavioral.


            The results of the few studies which have been conducted to evaluate the effectiveness of the sex offender laws and registry indicate that they do reduce recidivism rate or if they do it may be by a very small percentage.  It is difficult to evaluate the studies because I could not locate studies which whose algorithms differentiated type of offenses and other factors.


            As near as I can determine, the annual cost of maintaining a sexual offender registry (may only be a fraction of the total cost to locate, prosecute, punish, and monitor) has not been widely studied and/or published.  The figures I did find approximated at least a billion a year.


The obvious conclusion is the emotional, public safely, financial and moral cost of our current policies and practices regarding what is labeled and treated as illegal and/or immoral sexual behavior needs to be examined from the scientific perspective of what sexual behavior is harmful to individuals and the community at large. 


Written June 9, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org




 

​Dangerous?


Any person or practice which threatens the status quo for those in power in a particular place in a particular time have been consider dangerous.  Frequently the response of the person or group who are considered dangerous is denial of being dangerous. After all, the goal often is or should be equal rights and access to resources regardless of gender, sexual orientation, age, race, religion, culture or other social constructs.   The truth is if there is going to be equal rights and access to resources those who currently claim privilege do so at the expense of others will feel threatened.  If there is no discrimination on the basis of the construct of race than there there will be a larger pool from which to grant jobs, contacts, housing and access to other resources.  Merely being an educated, Caucasian male may not be enough to ensure one is at the top of the list. If there is no discrimination on the basis of gender merely being an educated, Caucasian male may not be enough to ensure one is the top of the list.  Clearly equal right and access to resources make it both easier and more difficult to access resources -  easier for some and more difficult for others.


What about those who are gay, bisexual, transsexual, or otherwise identify on the gender/sexual continuum?   Why are they often considered so dangerous?  Obviously, many individuals in the United States and some other countries are now able to safely be more open about whey they are and who they love.  Many cities are open to gay pride events in the heart of the city and have the public support of many elected officials.  Clearly the economies and other social structures have not fallen apart as a result.   Hasn’t it been clearly demonstrated that they are not dangerous.  After all, many GLBT+ and other non-binary individuals are consummate shoppers and talented contributors in all sections of the economy.  How could they possibly be considerate dangerous? 


In fact, going outside the established norm, whatever that norm might be, is dangerous.  Some of the ways it is dangerous is:


·       The very structure of mainstream religions is dependent on a belief system which is alleged to be divinely inspired or ordered directly by the divine.   If in fact major beliefs or rules which are attributed to the god of their understanding, are not in fact true then the very base of the religion in threatened.  The historical story may also be threatened as one which originated in service of a particular class or group of individuals.  What else is not divinely inspired?


·       If the goal of an economic system is not based on accumulated wealth for a minority of the population, but is intended to equally serve all in the community then the system as we currently know and defend it is in danger of crumbling.


·       If race is an artificial construct designed to enhance the economic opportunities for a particular segment of the population, then the end of racism calls into question many of the foundations of our economic systems.


·       If there is not unequal accumulation of wealth then there is no philanthropy.  Another way to fund basic resources of the community has to be found.


·       If sexual orientation is accepted then the basis for sexism falls. Females no longer need males economically. Males no longer need females to underpin and validate their worth.  Marriage is redefined or suddenly challenged to be what it was alleged to be but seldom was.  Males and females have to rethink their role and thus their understanding of what gives this human journey worth.


·       If work is not tied to making a living but directly related to creating a community which equally benefits everyone than the concept of retirement and all else associated with ageism has to be questioned. 




Perhaps it is time we started being honest.  Ending racism, sexism, homophobia, ageism and all forms of oppression and discrimination is dangerous to the basic underpinning of our society as it now exists.  This is frightening to many.  Many will feel disoriented, lost, and fearful of what this means for them and their family. Many will struggle with their purpose and worth. Economic and religious structures may fall or have to undergo major changes. 


Change for many is enormously uncomfortable, frightening and experienced as dangerous.  If we want to continue to insist on a more just society we need to be respectful of the fear of change while not wavering in our goal of building a community which moves toward equality and equitability.  We need to remind each other that we are all stronger than our worst fear; that we will not die of discomfort; that we still have worth even if we have no more than what we need; that the size of our house, our bank account, our breast or our male members does not determine our worth.    We are able to walk the talk of our constitution even if the drafters of it did not envision the depth of what they were writing. We are able to accept the examples of Jesus, the Buddha, and other great teachers as a practical blueprint for all of this life journey.


Our strength is dangerous.  Our strength is humility.  Our strength is faith in ourselves and each other. Our strength is love without all the oppressive isms.


Written June 7, 2021
Jimmy  Pickett
coachpickett.org

Sunday musings - June 6, 2021
“Are we being good ancestors?”


I have often challenged myself and others with the question, “What legacy do we want to leave today.”   A recent episode of the podcast On Being featured a conversation with host Krista Tippett and the “explorer and a linguist of landscape”.  Robert McFarlane asks the question  “Are we being good ancestors?”   It is essentially the same question. I have been more and more conscious of the fact that in our DNA we, in a sense, carry all our ancestors with us.  We carry their history of traumas, joys, griefs, achievements, failures, dreams and hopes. 


Although I have only one child who has decided not to have any children, I am acutely aware that the actions of my son and myself affect many other people; that the DNA of others is directly affected by our actions and the actions of others of our generations.  The trauma for which we are responsible, including the historic trauma that we do not proactively seek to heal, is also a part of our legacy.  We are all ancestors to each other. We are individually and collectively responsible for the health or illness of the planet we are leaving to those who follow us.


U. S. District Judge Robert Benitez of San Diego ruled on June 4, 2021 “that the state’s definition of illegal military style rifles unlawfully deprives law-abiding Californians of weapons commonly allowed in most other states and by the U. S. Supreme Court.” (nbcnews.com).  He went on to compared assault type weapons to the Swiss army knife.   He did not mention the enormous increase in gun related deaths in non-military situations in the United States during the past year. These are in addition to state sponsored executions, deaths planned and/or sanctioned by U.S. military individuals as well as by other intelligence or security agency personnel. Nor did he mention that in the 13 months from March of 2020 to April of 2021 there were 3 million requests for background checks for potential gun purchases in the United States.(nbcnews.com).


As we know gun violence is only one form of violence.  There is also economic, cultural, spiritual, verbal and physical violence.  There is the violence of omission and commission. 


The legacy we leave as ancestors sadly includes the legacy of exclusion.  We exclude in our history classes.  We exclude through school funding policies. We exclude by making museums, concerts, travel and other opportunities to learn about each other available to only certain segments of the population.  Obviously making museums free one day a week is not an inclusionary policy.  Yesterday at the Philbrook museum in Tulsa, Oklahoma I was impressed to read a large sign admitting to a historical practice of only featuring artists from a certain segment of the population on the first floor.  We exclude economically through policies and practices which limit participation in most “luxuries”. We limit by diagnosing as criminals the mentally ill who may have committed an illegal act through omission and commission.


We limit by celebrating while knowing that many are not able to come to the party. Celebrating is important, but not if it does not include outrage about who is not included.


In short, our legacy as ancestors is all we do and do not do to create a more just and loving relationship with each other and Mother Nature.  We cannot honor each other as humans and destroy our home.   Although I do not eat out often or shop often I have yet to find one restaurant in Tulsa who has stopped using plastic straws.  I have only found one or two places which has replaced plastic bags with paper one or, better yet, who insist that customers bring their own cloth or other reusable bags. 


I am not suggesting that any of us become self-righteous, critical do goaders.   We do not create a more just society to leave to our children, their children and Mother Nature by treating anyone or anything as less than.  We do not leave a more noble legacy by focusing on the spec in the eye of our brother or sister and ignoring the log in our own. We do not leave a better legacy by donning sack cloth and ashes and refusing to dance.  We do invite the differently abled, the non-binary persons, the ones coming out of jail, the ones who used guns, the mentally ill, the homeless, the aged, and the young to the dance.  We create a society in which we do not need storage units for stuff or people.  This is the legacy we can leave those who follow.  This is our legacy as ancestors.


Written June 6, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

Alone
Filling the hole


At some point in this life journey most, if not all of us humans, face the reality that although we are interconnected with all that comprises the universe(s) we are, at the very same time, completely alone.  Even twins, triplets or other who are part of a multiple birth at some point have to face their aloneness.  Their sense of aloneness may not be experienced as quickly as is true for others or it may be experienced earlier and more profoundly.


Frequently whenever we experience this profound realization of aloneness we are tempted to fill it with busyness, alcohol, other drugs, food, work, community service, sex, power, the corner office, inflation of ego by oppressing others, or sinking into a hole of hopelessness. Of course, all of these may briefly help but not for long.  We may try more and or of our drug or activity of choice only to find out that the hole is still there plus one has the adverse side effects.
Sadly, these side effects often permanently disable or even kill.    Daily I learn of the death of someone I know who has died of an overdose, alcohol poisoning, or direct suicide.  Daily I talk to people who are convinced that they do not have what it takes to face this profound feeling of aloneness


Yesterday, in her weekly blog, my good friend Becky Johnen reminded her readers of the morale of the story of The Wizard of Oz.   Dorothy, the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the Lion all discover that they have always had what they thought they were missing.   The long trip on the yellow brick road was unnecessary.  They did not need the wizard to tell them how to find the parts they thought were missing.  Dorothy merely had to click her heels to get home. The scarecrow had a brain; the Tin Man a heart and the Lion courage. Likewise we all have our essential parts. Wen can be at peace with the fact that we are both interconnected and profoundly alone.  We do not have to be fearful or anxious.


When we let go of whatever we have attempted to fill the hole with, we  will initially feel even more alone.  We will be tempted to sink into depression or run to collect whatever we hope will fill up the hole or numb the awareness.  We may cry out with pain; have an anxiety attack or feel as if we are going to drown in emptiness.  Yet, all we need to do is to notice these feelings without commenting on them or feeding them by labeling them as good or bad.  As we sit quietly and practice deep nostril breathing in and out we will experience the aloneness as peace. The negative sense of aloneness may later return because this is the habit of our body and our psyche.  Again just notice.  If, however, one has not taken time to eat, sleep, exercise, and receive emotional and spiritual support (what AA calls HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) one will notice muscle memory taking over and one will again experience the agonizing hole of aloneness. Take care of oneself trusting that the feeling will diminish. 


The irony is that once we are settled into being okay with ourselves we are ready to have a partnership, enjoy work, or some other activity.  We are not, however, ready to be self-destructive again.  Something or someone may trigger the old cravings for alcohol, drugs, sex, possessions, power or an inflated ego but we gently remind ourselves or call a friends who will remind one that what one needs one already has. One merely has to quietly trust and reclaim one’s wholeness.


Written June 2, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

​Sunday musings - May 30, 2021
Who is the “we”?


On this weekend in Tulsa, Oklahoma many are gathering for the 100th anniversary of the Tulsa Massacre of June 1921; gathering to celebrate the resilience of those who survived; to celebrate the emergence of history as it was and not as it is has been avoided; to celebrate those who are determined to use whatever means necessary to protect their community; to celebrate those who demand reparations in the symbolic form of money which is something the  oppressors value; to affirm that the “we” includes all members of the community.


This is a weekend when in the United States we remember our ancestors.  Memorial Day represents a day to remember those who served in the Armed Forces and especially those who died serving in the Armed Forces. It was originally known as Decoration Day.  It did not become an official Federal holiday until 1971.  I recall it as a day when the family would gather under the direction of Grandma Fannie at Sunrise Cemetery near Bristol, Oklahoma.   Family would arrive with flowers to place at grave sites, tools to cut the grass, tools to clean and repair grave markers and headstones, and baskets of food which were spread out on the covered picnic area or on blankets.  Thus, a meal could be shared with the “living and the dead”; the dead who lived on in the shared stories and, of course, in the DNA of all of the descendants.   The extended family were those connected by blood, by marriage, formally or informally adopted, and whoever else showed up.   This included many from various native tribes, some Caucasian and assorted mutts.  All were welcomed although I do not recall anyone identifying as “negro” per se.   Yet, it did include some whose family had been part of the Underground Railroad.      


Many stories were shared although I now know that some were not passed on. The history of such events as the Tulsa Massacre was nof known, or, if known, not shared. 


After moving from Chicago to Oklahoma my siblings and I attended a regional country school in Kellyville, Oklahoma.   My experience at that school did not seem to match those of many of my peers.  I recall lots of bullying of people of all races including this slight, non-athletic boy of dubious character who liked to read rather than play sports or engage in the Oklahoma country version of the dirty dozen.  I also remember many racist words and threats directed about and to blacks and Native Americans.  Although I have some pleasant memories of the school library and some of the teachers, my experience of male peers was one or constant fear and anxiety. I do not recall joining in racist comments, but I also do not recall ever being brave enough to “name” what was happening. I think I assumed reporting to the teachers or staff would result in harsh punishment from the other boys.   In my memory the girls were kinder; especially a couple who rode the same school bus.


At my grandmother’s house as well as that of my Aunt Pleasie (full blooded Cherokee) and Uncle Harold it seemed clear that all who showed up were welcome including those who were not "right" because of shell shock; even those females who defied all social norms by being divorced.   


Today I know that the so-called history of the United States was both redacted and altered to fit the needs of those who were sharing it.  This was as true for the official history books used in school as well as for the oral history shared at framily gatherings and in the classrooms. Although I knew the history shared at home was limited I had no idea how limited.   My own mother would deny being racist but always referred to “those people” who deserved rights and privileges  “as long as they stayed on their side of the track.”


Today I know that repatriations begins with unearthing the stories which have been buried with bodies, including those who died during the Tulsa massacre, the lynching’s and the rest of the oppressive truth hidden beneath the delusional history which was told.  Today I know that it is impossible to repay what has been lost although more than a token amount of momentary loss must be repaid.  Today I know that my story is not complete and may never be completed but more of it can be unearthed and shared.  Today I know that none of us can have a seat at the table as more than mannequins until the entirety of who we are - of the truth which was left out of the stories at the cemetery – is told in the bright light of today.  Today I know the “we” includes all of each of us - all our history.  We are all part of they “we”.   We have to share our stories at the table of inclusivity; the inclusivity of ourselves and all our neighbors on both sides of the track.


Written May 30, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org

She did not get the memo
 
Many of us have been waiting a lifetime for the gods to validate our worth?
 
How did we decide the gods of our understanding could determine our worth?
 
Who are these gods?
.
First our parents,
 
Then our peers,
 
Then those nameless others:
 
            The boy or girl who sits across the room.
            The cafeteria monitor.
            A slightly older peer.
            That first crush.
            That abusive partner.
            A cleric
 
They received our bows and our nightly prayers.
 
Perhaps we issued a viral proclamation
 
Extending the invitation to all the world.
 
Especially those who values are in opposition to ours.
 
Come one, come all we might shout.
 
Take a vote.  
 
No need for a  simple majority
 
A vote of one will determine our worth.
 
On the basis of
 
            Our race
            Our religion
            Our gender
            Our age
            Our size
            Our contribution to capitalism
            The gender to whom we pledge our love for a night or a lifetime
            The culture which birthed us and our ancestors
[1] 
 
I met a woman this morning who did not get the memo.
 
Queer in a small town in Oklahoma proudly claiming her right to represent her community in the  sate legislature.
 
The price for missing the memo?
 
Freedom from the gods of judgment
 
Freedom from the gods of imprisonment.
 
Freedom
 
Freedom
 
Freedom to celebrate the miracles of who she is.
 
Written May 28, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org

 [1]
​

Parental know best???


One often hears the assertion “parents know best”.   This morning I read the statement as a defense for a state bill which limits the ability of school districts to mandate masks and covid vaccines.   The executive director of the Oklahomans for health and parental rights defended the bill stating “Parents know what’s best whether it be for the masking or the vaccine.”


Most of us have heard this defense of the “right” of parents to make decisions about the welfare of their child.  Yet, the truth is that to parent is a verb and not a noun.  Very few of us were trained to be parents either directly or indirectly.  Most of us parent the way we were parented.  The result is often a lot of trauma for the parents and the children.


Legally all one has to do to be assigned the label of parent is to be able to have sex one time when a sperm introduces itself to an egg.   Sometimes one becomes a foster parent, an adoptive parent, or is given the role by default.  If a foster parent or an adoptive parent one might be required to take classes. For the most part, very few individuals have extensive training in how to parent.


We would never allow a person to call himself or herself an engineer, a doctor, or some other skilled professional without extensive training, testing and licensing.   If someone is the biological sperm or egg donor they do not have to pass any training or meet any other criteria. If one is the biological egg or sperm donor one has to commit a grievous error(s) before a child is removed from their care. 


In the United States and many other countries at this time parenting decisions are made by one or, at most, two poorly trained adults.   We call this the nuclear family.  There is no village  of loving, educated people with a clear core value system making decisions for and with children which are designed to teach children how to be a loving, contributing members of the community.


The legal parents of children will often make decisions based on their own fears, misinformation provided by a non-expert such as a politician, or on their need to prove that they have the power.   In the case of whether to require a mask or to get vaccinated for covid-19, the decisions need to be made by health care professional who are not embedded with politicians, pharmaceutical companies or other vested interest personnel. 


Clearly, in terms of masks, we know they offer protection against covid-19 as well as other air  borne diseases such as the flue and even the common cold.  We know they are also uncomfortable and impede some aspects of communication. On the other hand we have an plethora of medical evidence for the efficacy of wearing them as us evidence by the practice of certain other countries.   


We already require certain vaccinations if children are to be allowed to be with other children in a school setting.  This has traditionally been a health care decision although there has been a movement in the country for some time to allow parents to opt out of vaccinations because of feared side effects.   Even if there was scientific evidence that there is some risk involved in getting vaccinations for covid-19, the risks of not getting them are, according to scientists, much greater.   We do not have the right to expose others to potential infections if we can avoid it by simple vaccinations.


Medical personnel might, long term, make different recommendations regarding both masks and vaccinations.  Medical personnel are not always right, but statistically and in terms of training they are better qualified then those with other agenda to make health care decisions.   Clearly they are better qualified than most sperm and egg donors.  Parent often do not know what is best.


Written May 27, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

​The pain/trauma meter
 
In an episode of Hidden Brain entitled Tribes and Traitor, host Shankar Vedantam talks with a Palestinian man and an Israeli Soldier about what happens when one empathizes with one’s enemy.   The benefit and the cost can be great.  While listening to the program I was again reminded that life is often much simpler when one can neatly divide the world by affixing labels to individuals and groups.  Terms such as enemy can create such a neat division.  As the guests of his program reveal, empathizing with one’s enemy – no longer seeing them as just the enemy who causes one pain but as another individual or group who has known great pain and suffering – can be viewed as very disloyal – even traitorous – by one’s neighbors or even one’s family. 
 
It seems as if we often have a fear that if we honor the pain of those we have labeled as our enemy the validity of our pain will be diminished.  Yet, it is very likely the opposite will happen; honoring the pain of our “enemy” opens the door for us to honor both our pain and their pain.
 
The simple truth is that we have all experienced pain.  This is equally true of individuals, communities, and countries.  It is also true that we have all caused pain.  I know of no way to measure individual or collective pain.  Certainly, there are few events in history to rival the Holocaust.  Honoring that pain does not diminish the pain of Palestinians in not having a country or being treated as if they have no right to housing, their own government and taking care of their families. 
 
No matter what religion, what God or what history is used to justify violence the only product of violence Is more violence. No matter what slice of history is served to justify violence the hurt are hurting the hurt.
 
Clearly there are those  who need to be restrained from further violence.  Do we use violence to stop them?  If someone suffers from dementia we lovingly restrain them if they become violent toward themselves or others.  We do not  punish them for not being able to have a shared reality?  When two people get into an argument and whip out their legal guns to shoot at each other in a crowded public space should we treat them as untouchbables or throw aways or should we begin to look at the fact that we, as representtives of communities and nations use guns and other weapons of mass destruction when we are offended by or upset with another person or nation.  As a nation the United States advocates lethal violence as a way of dealing with those we determine are a danger to our national interests.  We alone decide what is in our national interest no matter how it affects others.   Selling weapons, sending troops, ordering assignations or other violence actions are considered our “God given right”.  Why are we surprised that many individuals resort to the same tactics?   I am not suggesting that the United States is the only country to advocate and use violence.  I am suggesting  we continue to delude ourselves by asserting we are a peaceful – even nonviolent – nation.  Violence is a way of life in this country.   If we truly want to become less violence we must be very intentional to model non-violent resolutions of differences. We must truly believe that resourses are intended to be shared; that oppression is always violent and never acceptable.
 
Empathy is not achieved by self-righteous justification of our hurt/pain while ignoring or denying the pain of others.   Empathy is not achieved by responding to our own hurt by hurting others.
 
Loving our enemies is not a one liner sound bite.  Loving our enemies paradoxically means identifying with their pain; using our third eye to see the pain beneath the shield of anger or violence.  Loving our enemies involves removing the log from our eyes which prevents us from seeing and mourning our own pain. Loving our enemy involves a leap of faith which is the foundation of all spiritual practice.
 
Written May 25, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org