Sunday Musings - May 23, 2021
Hurt people hurt people


As is true for many individuals and especially those living in Palestine and Israel, I am grateful for the temporary cease fire.  Of course, everyone is acutely aware that fighting could resume anytime.  We are also acutely aware that fighting continues in many places on a community and often national level.   In the United States mass shootings as well as violence between individuals in homes and in public places takes place daily.  Just this morning I read of two men who got into an argument, pulled out guns and shot each other.  The use of lethal force by police in these United States continues to be an all-too-common experience leaving both officers and private citizens dead and/or otherwise traumatized.  In the United States the private sales of guns, in addition to the guns manufactured and sold to individuals and government bodies, keep rising.   So many of us humans are convinced that we have the right to protect possessions and people by killing others. 


Most of us know that our anger is almost always a shield to hide the history of pain from actual or imagined events.  We know pain may, at times, be a symptom of  exhaustion from not getting the emotional, physical, or spiritual food we need to survive.  It may be related to a history of abuse in this or former life journeys.  It may be related to fear originating in an injured or damaged brain.  


In other words, we know that hurt people hurt people.  We can easily trace the history of pain of Palestinians and the Jewish people.  We can easily trace the history of the pain of those who have inflicted pain on Palestinians and Jews long before the post-World War II creation of the Israeli State.  We can also easily trace the history of pain of individual Germans such as Hitler or the German people post World War I.   Vera Britain in her three volume Testament of Youth does a commendable job of connecting these events.  Alice Miller, the psychiatris, in several of her works details the connection between traumatic events and the cruel dysfunction of famous people such as Hitler.  We do not need a social scientist to trace the relationship between our own pain and our unkind thoughts and behavior.  


We know all this and yet we continue to justify our individual and collective hurtful behavior by neatly dividing us humans into groups which we label as good, moral, bad, criminal, evil a plethora of other labels. 


Father Greg Boyle, the author and the priest who works with and for those who are trying to leave the violent life of Los Angeles gang membership, traces the history of pain which leads to survival behavior which is then labeled as bad or criminal. His books includes Tattoos on the Heart,  Barking to the Choir - The Power of Radical Kinship and Shoulder to Shoulder.    


Wise teachers such as Jesus, stated the obvious when he is credited in the Gospel of Matthew (5:43-44) with saying, “But I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.” If hurt people hurt people; if bad behavior stems from pain, then it should be obvious that love and not hate can heal.   We are not, of course in charge of whether someone can receive our love. Many factors will affect that possibility.   We can only genuinely offer love. We can only refuse to cause more pain.  How many times must we respond to have with love?  Again, we turn to that wise teacher, Jesus.   In Matthew 18:21-22 it is reported: “Then came Peter to him (Jesus), and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him?  Till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but seventy times seven.”




Hurt people do not find it easy to trust.  They are not likely to allow love to touch their pain the first or even the tenth time.   There may be nothing in their history that tells them it is safe to trust love.   Yet, our only power is to not add to the pain.  If enough of us consistently refuse to respond to pain with pain, we will stop the cycle of violence.  We will refuse to do our part to keep the cycle going.


Sounds simple but, obviously, if a bomb has just killed your family and blown up your home, it is not simple or easy to respond with love.  Yet, that is exactly how the people at the synagogue in Pittsburgh responded and that is exactly how the people in a North Carolina church responded following violent deaths at their place of workshop.    “Father forgive them for they know not what their so.”   If they can refuse to respond to hate/fear/violence with hate and violence so can we.   Every time we do so it gets easier.  Soon this behavior is embedded in our muscle memory.


Written May 23, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

Earthling


Daily I am challenged spiritually, intellectually, and emotionally to consider the possibility of being more expansive.  While listening to the May 20, 2021 rebroadcast of the February 27, 2020 conversation between Krista Tippett host of the podcast On Being and the astronomer Jill Tarter, I considered Dr. Tatter’s challenge to identify as an earthling and not as a male, Caucasian, United States citizen, counselor, or single person.    As soon as I considered expanding my identity to that of Earthling all the ways that us earthlings use to attempt to separate us from each other disappear.  It also opens a new level of appreciation for the strong possibility that we are just one group of intelligent life forms in the Universe or Universes. Once one erases the separating it is not only easier to envision being a member of a group with has shared concerns and responsibilities, but it also forces on to think how our behavior here on this planet affect and is affected by the rest of the universe(s).   


I have never been able to convince myself that we earthlings are the only possible intelligence life forms; that we earthlings are worthy of the inflated importance which we seem to need to believe to give this life journey meaning.   At some level we know that we are part of a much larger whole; that our brief sojourn requires a recognition that the tiniest life form is just as important to our existence as we are to it; that when we disturb or kill one part of this living planet it affects the entire planet.  It seems axiomatic that this would be true of the entire universe(s).   We are both very significant and insignificant.  If indeed this is true, how does it make sense that we are the only intelligent life form? Dr, Tarter and her colleagues are charged with the responsibility and the opportunity to explore these and related questions.  For example, she suggests that one needs to think of the possibility that water is not the only possible solvent. She says: “Definitely, but we need to distinguish between what we know and what we think is but have not yet verified and found evidence for. We still are welded to the idea of liquid water because all biology that we know, here on this plant, uses that as a solvent. But at least some of the community has begun to think out of the box or more broadly about what Iife is, and could there be life using some solvent other than water or some anchoring element other than carbon?”


I have always loved what I think of the scientific approach which requires one begin each inquiry with the null hypothesis.  The reader will recall that a null hypothesis is a hypothesis that says there is no statistical significance between the two variables in the hypothesis.  That is, if one thinks that x ingredient creates a more efficient Y then the null hypothesis would be “X ingredient does not create a more efficient Y.”   In other words, if one wants to learn or be creative one applies the null hypothesis to what one has learned or believed.


If I already know what I know then there is nothing to learn. If I do not know what I do not know then there is much to learn.  If I believe that being a white, human male is all that I am then there is no reason to consider the concept of humans.  If I believe that human is all that I am then there is no reason to think of earthling.  If there are multiples planets I must allow for the fact of multiple intelligent beings.   If there are multiples universes than I must allow for the possibility that there are multiple forms of what we call intelligence.


Today I will open to being identified as an earthling and all that might imply.


Written May 21, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

​If god was an adult?
 
As a parent and someone who has contact with many teenagers in my personal and professional life, I often remind myself of the normal or healthy developmental characteristics of teenagers. Of course, these are often culture and circumstance specific. Some individuals are forced through circumstances to move from infant or child to adult responsibilities.  For those who do not have to skip this developmental stage the following characteristics are normal:
 
·       Frequent and quick change of mood.
 
·       Self-centered and prone to take behavior of others personally
 
·       Creative
 
·       Impulsive
 
·       Fearless regarding physical danger.
 
·       Emotionally fragile
 
·       insightful
 
·       Suspicious of others – especially adults
 
·       impatient 
 
·       All or nothing thinking
 
·       Concerned about what others think of them while needing to pretend as if one does not
            care what others think.
 
·       Protective of their own boundaries while often insensitive to that of others.
 
           
Depending on the home and general cultural situation expectations of teenage males and females may vary.   Very often, even in this age of lip service to feminism, more is expected of girls in terms of nurturing chores and more is expected of boys in terms of physical chores.  This may not be as true for those living on a family farm or ranch when it is all hands on deck much of the time,
 
At any rate my experience with teenagers is that they are delightful, funny, insightful, challenging, frustrating, and engaging all in the space of five minutes. 
 
We hope, of course, that teenagers will become responsible, creative, loving, interdependent, other centered, insightful, patient, adults with a good sense of humor.    Sadly, when addiction, some other mental illness or trauma interrupts developmental stages of human development one may not move through developmental stages but stay stuck in adolescent or even pre-teen stages,
 
It often seems when us humans posit a concept of a higher being or God we assign them the most frustrating characteristics of teenagers while calling them father, teacher or some other adult term.  The Greeks, on the other hand, often  posited gods who were unabashedly delightful, impulsive, fun teenagers.   Native people in many parts of the world posit spirits or Gods who often are both ethereal and very practical.    The God of Western culture seem to have all the most frustrating characteristics of human teenagers.    Some of these characteristics are:
 
·       Self-centeredness of only children who know they are the center of the universe and expect to be treated accordingly.
 
·       Jealous - strong need to be the only god and for others to honor that fact.
 
·       Quick to anger if one displeases.
 
·       Punishing - often for eternity
 
·       Moody
 
·       Insecure - always testing
 
·       Perceptive - sees and hears all.
 
·       Score keeper
 
·       He or she who cannot be viewed but wants to be the center of attention.
 
·       Delightfully creative
 
·       Wise
 
·       Ever present - is leery of privacy of others.
 
 
One wonders why we posit or envision a God who develops or morphs into the human version of a normal teenager.  Creators of artificial intelligence are often concerned that AI will morph into an adolescent god instead of “the healthy adult”.
 
If God were an adult he or she might have more of the characteristics of a Jesus or a Buddha.  The characteristics of such a god might me:
 
·       Quick to laugh at self.
 
·       Non-judgmental.
 
·       Unsurprised that humans are humans.
 
·       Owns his or her own issues.
 
·       Focused on learning and teaching and not punishment.
 
·       Conforms to the laws of expanding views and knowledge of science.
 
·       Fun and creative.
 
·       Responsible and dependable - a little less mysterious
           
·       Non-sexist
 
·       Non-binary
 
·       Non-homophobic
 
·       Not so enamored of meditating and harp playing
 
·       Plays nicely with others
 
I am sure each reader can add to this list of characteristics or design one of their own.  The bottom line is us humans need to decide whether we want to be adults or forever teenagers. If adults, perhaps we need to envision or posit a god who has adult characteristics.  Perhaps if women were more often in charge of positing or envisioning god(s) they would be closer to our idealized version of a healthy adult.  Perhaps then humans could adopt adult characteristics  while working, laughing, creating and crying together.
 
Written My 21, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 

“The truth”


Recently, I had the pleasure of talking to a young man of 51 while we were both in the waiting room of a local establishment.  Our conversation revealed that the young man and his wife are the owner of a business with over 20 franchised businesses who pay a royalty to the parent business.  By all account he and his wife have been successful in growing their business.   This same young man has also attended bible college and is a youth pastor of a local church.  He has been involved in church sponsored missions in South America and is considering this as his primary profession.   As we chatted, he was clear that he and the religious institution he represents sincerely believes that their religious beliefs represents the “true beliefs” about God and what He requires of men and women if they are to experience eternal life or salvation.  I questioned that the leaders of the religion which he represents could possibly know that they had the only possible truth about God and His plans.   I further suggested that one has to consider the fact that all most major religions posit the belief that their God is the one true God. Some religious organization such as the Unitarian Universalists allow for the belief of many different Gods or concepts of God and many different version of the purpose of this human journey. 


Our conversation was mutually polite and respectful.  Yet, neither of us were swayed by the beliefs of the other.  He will continue to believe and preach that there is only one truth about God and His demands or expectation of us humans and the rest of creation and I will continue to believe that all religious or philosophical beliefs are equally valid.  I suspect that many of our beliefs about how we are to treat each other are similar and, in fact, are consistent with the purported “Sermon on the Mount” the essence of which one finds in the sacred texts of many religions.  We might disagree about the history of the teaching of such issues as honoring the sexual orientation of individuals, whether violence is ever justified, the equality of men and women, abortion and a host of other day to day behaviors.  I understand religious teachings or the revelation of the prophets in the context of the historical period in which the prophet lived.  I believe certain teachings or potential truths can only be understood when one has the “tools” to examine them


In any religious framework one can find justification for what one needs or wants to believe.   In the Christian religion one can understand the use of such terms as Jesus or Lord as nouns or verbs. Obviously, Jesus is the name of what is purported to be a historical person who was born to an unwed mother and grew up to become a carpenter and a teacher; a man whose teachings were so threatening to the status quo that he was crucified.   The words Jesus and Lord could also be understood to be verbs denoting a way of living,  the primary focus of which is to live in community with each other and Mother Earth.  To live in community could be understood to share responsibilities and resources  - from each according to his ability, to each according to his needs. (Popularized by Karl Marx).    In the Jewish religious, the Muslim religion and all the other major religions there is an equivalent teaching.   Yet, in each religion there is much disagreement about how to live this very simple principle. Thus, one can fight over the sharing of land and other resources.  One can maintain that one has the only direct line to the one true God.


There might be some basic rules or principles which many of can agree guide us in our quest to be our best.   We might, for example, agree that we would all have a more qualitative life if we treated others the way we want to be treated; we accepted that we have different talents and abilities; many factors affect how our brain works or does not work; and it takes a village.  We might agree that we do not have a very scientific system for adding and comparing the “sin points for each of us; that we are all pretty creative at times and at other times our brains and hearts seem to be taking a nap.  We might not agree.  The truth?


Written May 19, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

The Art of Lying


After seeing the independent film “The Wake of Life” I was thinking of the times that I have told myself a story only later to discover that I was lying to myself and, consequently, by default, unintentionally, lying to others.   In the film both the daughter and the father engage in behavior over a period of years which is motivated by a desire to meet the perceived needs of the other.  The daughter wraps her identify in being the caretaker of her father who she tells herself cannot function on his own. The father wraps his identity in being the disabled person who gives daughter a purpose for her life.  Both of them become trapped in the story they have created.   In order for the lies to be effective and believable story lines they must each sincerely believe them.   Spoiler alert:   They do, in the end, confront their lies and each begins a new chapter.


Theoretically it “should” be easy to determine when one is lying to oneself.  After all, if one created the lie, one should be able to admit it and correct it.  Yes, embarrassment or false pride about the fact that one lied keep one from admitting it.  One might also have to face the possibility one is expected to explain why one lied. One might simply and truthfully say that it seemed easier at the time than admitting to the truth.  This is especially understandable if one lied about a violation of the relationship contract with someone.  It is frightening to entertain the possibility that one’s partner might not be able or willing to forgive one.   It is also understandable why one might lie to one’s boss about the reason one did not complete a project or assignment in time.  One does not want to admit that one just procrastinated or avoided because one found it tedious and even redundant paperwork.  


Many of the lies I have told myself and others are about a behavior or quality which I did not want to believe about myself or which did not fit the story I had told myself.  For example, since I am a man of a short stature and do not think of myself as that educated or talented I told myself that I could never be intimidating.  I was shocked when a very large man told me t I intimidated him.  He went on to tell me that my ability to debate - use of language and presentation style - could be experienced as humiliating and demeaning.  I had to ask myself why I was shocked. I had obviously very deliberately chosen and practiced the use of words and presentation style. Yet, it was as if one part of my brain made these decisions and refused to share this process with other parts of my brain.


Some of the lies I told myself was because I wanted to believe something about myself. I wanted, for example, to believe I had internalized few lies about racism and other forms of oppression.  When required by others on a committee on which I served to write about my earliest memories of being racist I “uncovered” memories of both awareness of and use of racism to avoid responsibility as early as ages 3 to 5.   When I vehemently insisted that I was not homophobic while denying my own sexual orientation I had to confront my own duplicity.  When I “noticed” behavior which was consistent with what women were reporting about their unfair and unequal treatment by other men I had to face my own sexism.  When I had to accept my powerlessness as a father and my “need” to prove I could be the father I envisioned in my head I was shameful and humbled.  When I discovered I could not honor my marriage vows “in sickness and in health” I had to question my own character. 


This process of uncovering the volumes of lies I tell myself and others, is, I have discovered, a lifelong process.  The process of just noticing the lies and not telling another lie to cover the sense of shame and disappointment requires daily practice, humility and intention.


Written May 18, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

Sunday Musings - May 16, 2021
Righteous vs self-righteous anger?


As a very young man I was very shy about expressing my opinions although I observed a lot and was acutely aware when something did not feel “right” to me.  As I grew to become a young man I was increasingly aware of how often anger took control of my voice.  At that stage of self-awareness the anger which erupted most often seemed unrelated to what I mouthed.  Very slowly i became aware I really wanted to shout:


            Racism was wrong, wrong, wrong.
            Sexism is wrong.
            Homophobia is wrong.
            justification for any oppression is wrong, wrong, wrong.
            War is wrong.




At this stage of my life my anger was often directed at others.  Others obviously deserved my judgmental anger.  They were bad people. I was judging others for my perception that they were judgmental.   My anger was self-righteous.   I was right and other were wrong.    The religious leaders I knew at that time seemed to agree that the God of their and my understanding was angry at these bad people. 


There was a part of me which was very confused about the fact that the God of my understanding as revealed in Christ also expected us to love our enemies; to accept that we all sin and fall short the glory of God; to accept it made no logical sense that one could count the sin points of each of us and decide who was better or more righteous.


At the same time I believed and continue to believe that all of us have a role to play in creating a more just and loving world; a world in which all of us share the work and the resources; a world in which we respond to the pain underlying the “bad behavior”; a world in which we act as if we sincerely believe the worlds of The Sermon On the Mount; a world in which financial profit does not determine our attitude towards guns; a world which does not allow others to determine our behavior.


As I age, I am acutely aware:


·       It is important to one speak out clearly and firmly for justice which is not racist, sexist,
            homophobic, ageist or oppressive in any manner.


·       It is important to be aware of all the ways that I am homophobic, sexist, racist, or oppressive.


·       It is important to be aware one’s invitation to share the table is conditional on one’s ability to treat everyone else at the table with respect and unconditional love; to respect the decision of others to not share the table when they are unable to do that.




I am not convinced that anger is ever useful. I do not believe violence ever wins. This includes verbal, physical, emotional and institutional violence. At the same time, I must do my part to as a member of any organization, including the body politic, by clearly refusing to obey any new Jim Crow law or any law which treats others as less that; to refuse to obey any laws which suggests that one must not teach anything in school which leaves the privileged group uncomfortable.  My refusal to obey such laws must be spoken with clarity and enough loudness to be heard over the noise of the fear masked as righteous anger. I must also focus on removing the remaining logs of oppressive thoughts and actions from my own eyes.  I know, of course, whether I am emphasizing or identifying with the person with a spec in his or her eye; whether I am laughing at myself and whether I am relearning all that I knew as a very young child.


Perhaps there is more effective language to describe the difference between what I am terming self-righteous vs righteous anger.   Perhaps there is a way to passionately express one’s refusal to accept justification for oppressive behavior in any form from oneself, others or institutions without it being heard as anger or weak.  This old man is still searching for a way to honor his passion; to speak the truth as he understands it without oppressing others.


As we search our hearts, debate in churches, temples, classrooms, legislative chambers and synagogues, perhaps we will find a way to take oppression very seriously without taking ourselves so seriously.
                       
Written May 16, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

The power of words
 
I have always been fascinated with the power of words and the power of choosing a word to connote or denote what one is feeling, thinking or doing.   One of the words which I frequently hear is “motivate” or “motivated”. Motivated is both the past tense and the past participle of the word motive. Oxford language suggests that to motivate is to “stimulate someone’s interest in or enthusiasm for doing something.”
 
One may hear someone say , “I will do X if I am motivated to do so.”  A person might say to me  “I am hoping or waiting to get motivated to do task X.   Task “X might be washing the dishes, registering for a class, or finishing a work task.  Usually, a person who says this means that they are waiting until they feel like performing a task.
 
There are also those who seemingly seldom use the term motivate.  They simply perform the next task which is on their list or which commands their attention.  Recently I was talking to a woman who was sick with the flue this past weekend.   Her husband and the daughter were also sick with the flue. The young child is still at a very dependent stage.  This husband is a fully abled adult. There was no way to determine if husband or wife were the sickest.  All reports indicate they were experiencing the same level of illness.  Yet, the wife tended to the child, her husband and did basic home chores.  Seemingly, the husband was waiting to feel like doing tasks(to get motivated) and the wife simply did what needed to be done.  The husband marveled at how much she was able to accomplish.   Yet, if the wife had not been there my guess is that he would have done what she managed to accomplish.   He would not have had the luxury of deciding if he was motivated or felt like taking care of their daughter.
 
I talked to a friend who frequently waits to feel motivated before cleaning his house and doing the dishes. Yet, if a woman in whom he has a romantic or sexual interest is about to arrive at his home he is able to clean the house and do the dishes as well as other chores.  A woman I know when she is scheduled to work manages to get a shower, put on clean clothes and perform her professional job.  Yet, if she is not scheduled to work she may be “unable”  to even get out of bed.  She says she hates staying in bed but cannot get herself up. 
 
We use many words which determine whether or not we lead an intentional life.  We might hear ourself or someone else slaying, “I found myself saying or doing X.”  “I ended up doing what I said I would not do.” “I really want to quit smoking but I purchased another carton of cigarettes.”  The list of examples in which we talk as if life just happens is endless.
 
Obviously, life does not just happen. It is true that Mother Nature may decide a hurricane , a tornado or a tsunami will visit.   A car may suddenly pull in front of us while we are driving.  A pandemic arrives forcing closure of many enterprises.  A spouse suddenly dies or falls in love with another person.  A company suddenly finds itself without parts necessary to complete orders. An electrical malfunction causes a fire which results in the house being destroyed by fire.  One has an accident, is prescribed pain pills and suddenly has a full -blown addiction.  There are a great many life events over which we do not have control. What we do have control over is how we respond to life events. We may not always have control over how we respond physically.  Perhaps one is badly burnt by the house fire and unable to function physically, but does have control over one’s relationship to the ensuing pain and different ableness .  Perhaps one does not have control over losing a business, but one does have control over one’s willingness to start at the bottom again selling products out of a street cart.
 
The language we use to direct our behavior may be influenced by messages or truths one has internalized about oneself and the world.  Perhaps one has been told on many time that they are helpless, they have what Lenore Walked named “learned helplessness”.  Perhaps one has so beaten down by the prison system or genocide that one has become hopeless about the future. 
 
We learn many lies and if we have the luxury of thinking about whether we can accomplish a task - whether we are motivated  - we may decide we are powerless. We unconsciously decide that if we can cannot accomplished task A there is no reason to attempt task B.’
 
Other factors may acutely affect our ability to function.  Clinical depression and other illnesses can make it very difficult to even access the messages in our brain which direct the simplest of activities.  Yet, many of us will notice that the language we have learned to use has a profound effect on what we are able to accomplish.
 
The late Wayne Dyer wrote a lot about the power of our thinking.  Book such as Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life - The Power of the Tao and The Power of Intentions clearly  remind us our thoughts are like the motor in one’s car.    They turn off or on off the parts of the body which allow one to do a task.
 
One of the major teachings of the Taoism is:   “Simplicity, patience, compassion.  These three are your greatest treasures. Simple in actions and thoughts, you return to the source of being. Patient with both friends and enemies, you accord with the way things are. Compassionate toward yourself, you reconcile all beings in the world.”  (goodnet.org)
 
Written May 15, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 ​

Parents of children born to teenage mothers - ages 15-19


Terry Gross, host of Fresh Air interviewed author and activist Nicole Lynn Lewis.  Ms. Lewis is, by all accounts a success story who not only graduated from college after becoming a teenage mom, but has become an advocate for teen moms.  Let me be clear. She is not recommending that children have children,  but is honoring the fact that young people are sexual and for a variety of reasons a certain number become parents.  The good news is that the number of teenage pregnancies - ages 15 -19 - haven been decreasing - In 1918-1919 the CDC recorded 171, 674 teenage births in the United States. There are no comparable statistics for those who had an abortion, miscarried or perhaps successfully used the morning after pill. 


I could not locate the statistics for the average age of the male partner of the young women girls who became pregnant.  Antidotal evidence indicates that some of them are peers in the same age range; some are older; some are younger. 


As Ms. Lewis states, many young people do not, for a variety of reasons use birth control.  It may be unavailable, too expensive, or not even considered an option.  I talk to a lot of men well into their adult years who do not use a condom because they do not like how it feels, do not plan ahead, or believe it is the responsibility of the woman to use birth control.  I also talk to men who make decisions to have sex when their thinking is impaired because of the use of alcohol or other drugs. There are also those young men and women who believe they can successfully use the rhythm method or the pull out method.
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The statistics I found indicate that the number of teenagers who admit having sexual intercourse has decreased slightly (2015 statistics). The overall birth rate in the United States is down for all age groups.  Sadly, the CDC reports a nearly 30% increase is STDs between 2015 and 2019 (cdc.gov).


My concerns are:


·       The need to Honor and even embrace the fact the physical and emotional need to connect physically and sexually begins at a very early age.  Puberty may begin as early as age 9.  The average age for girls is 11 and for boys 12.


·       In order for a pregnancy to occur there has to be a meeting of an egg and a sperm.   Egg and sperm banks make artificial insemination possible, but unless this is forced for monetary or other reasons, only consenting adults will become pregnant in this manner. Otherwise, we are talking about a sexual connection between a male and a female, but not necessarily a consenting male and female
           
·       Sexually transmitted diseases affect both males and females of any age.  For many people and especially for teenagers of both genders seeking help for sexually transmitted diseases is embarrassing.


·       Being able to access abortion services is seldom legally available for teenagers in most states in the United States.  Increasingly, it is difficult for any poor person to get an abortion in the United States even if the pregnancy is the result of rape and done within days or weeks of the meeting of the sperm and the egg.     


·       Because it is the woman who physically carries and nurtures the fetus, it is frequently her decision of whether or not to carry the fetus to full term, whether to raise the child or whether to allow another person(s) to raise the child.
           
·       If a DNA tests identifies the biological sperm donor he can be held responsible for the shared financial support of the child until the child reaches the age of maturity which could be post high school or post college in some states.  While it is true the boy made an informed or uninformed decision to share his sperm he is not necessarily an equal partner in making the decision of whether to continue the pregnancy or who is going to raise the child even though he will be required, if identified,. to pay child support.  Child support may or may not include equal parenting access and rights. There has been some increased legal rights for fathers in recent years.


·       Even though we know it takes a village, there has been minimal communal financial, emotional or physical support in raising a child.  The success of President Biden’s proposals regarding child care assistance is not assured.   In the United States we continue to act as if the nuclear family is intact; that one parent can make enough to allow the other to stay home and be the primary care taker or as if a middle class white families still can have slave labor.  Grandparents and some other family members have increasingly taken over responsibility for child care. Not everyone has the luxury of this sort of assistance.


In short the legislators, clerics and others with a vested interest in the illusions and delusions of the status quo decide who has a child and who is financially, emotionally and physically  responsible for a child.  Teachers have assumed increased responsibility for the emotional, intellectual and physical development of children.


If the community, as represented through elected legislators and designated spiritual leaders, want to continue to make decisions about the consequence of the expression of natural biological sexual feelings and urges than the community needs to take financial, moral, emotional, and practical responsibility for the ensuing children and for the identification and treatment of sexually transmitted diseases.  Humans are sexual beings who are physically maturing sexually by age 9-12,  but often not trained to take on adult responsibilities until they are 22 to 30 (depending on extent of formal education/training.  This means a minimum of 9 years and a possibility of 21 years of intense need for sexual release, emotional and physical closeness with someone of the opposite sex, the same sex or both.  Depending on the emotional voids in the life of a child the emotional and sexual needs may be more or less welded together.  If we are going to be responsible adults we need to formulate realistic plans for helping our young people embrace and honor those needs while reducing the risk of teenage pregnancies and  , transmitted diseases.  More abortion restrictions, less access to sexual education, the absence of safe sexual rituals, and lack of plans for deceasing sexually transmitted diseases is not acceptable.   Acting as if only the female is pregnant and should shoulder the decision making is not acceptable.  Acting as if the male is just a bank account to be identified and used is also not acceptable.  


I believe we have a moral imperative to face these and related issues.


Written May 11, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

Sunday Musings - May 9, 2021


Today in the United States is set aside to pay tribute to mothers.  I recently listened to Krista Tippett’s conversation with famed psychologist  Daniel Kahneman on the podcast On Being about perception or experience of reality.  Krista mention that giving birth is a good example of being able to focus on the magic of a new child instead of the pain of childbirth.   If the focus was on the pain of childbirth no woman would ever have more than one child.  Of course, as a male, I am convinced that were childbirth up to us males, no one would ever consciously agree to have more than one child. It is difficult for men - certainly this man - to imagine the physical pain of childbirth. Of course, by the time a child is born, the woman has had 9 months to bond with the fetus.  More often than not bonding does occur and the woman who has physically fed and born the fetus becomes a mother. 

There are also those cases when the person who nurtures and carries the fetus does not develop a bond; is expected to be a parent but is unable to emotionally, physically or financially be a parent. More often than most of us know a grandparent, frequently a grandmother, steps in to raise a child.  Sometimes, sadly, an employee of the state must step in and forcibly take over legal responsibility for the child. 


Too often, a child continues to live with a mother and/or father who is unable to be a parent but who retains legal responsibility.  In this case, absence of another healthy adult, the child raises themselves or becomes the parent to the biological mother, father or both.


Sadly, we often harshly judge a female who is unable to take on the role of mother for whatever reason.   While we might be critical of the male who is unable to assume the active role of a father, we are often more forgiving of him than we are the female who is unable to assume the active role as a mother.


Many children whose mother (or father) was unable to assume the responsibilities of being an active parent continue, throughout their adult life, to expect their birth mother or biological sperm donor to be the parent that Hallmark or most of the community says that they should be.  Instead of choosing a family of choice - an intentional parent - they stay profoundly depressed and/or angry waiting for that person to morph into a parent. 


Today, on this Mother’s Day, we can honor those who:


1.     Bonded, gave birth and were able to be the parent the child needed.


2.     Gave birth but were wise and unselfish enough to allow someone else to be the parent.


·       Gave birth and desperately wanted to be a good parent, felt unable to allow someone else to raise the child and yet were unable to be the parent the child needed.   Mental illness may often be a factor.


·       For various reasons, took on the role of being both a mother and father.  Luckily many males and females have the qualities needed to perform both roles. 


·       Stepped in when both parents of someone were deceased or otherwise unavailable.    I know many who put careers on hold to step in and do this important job with very little recognition of being full time parents.




Many women and some men are single parents struggling to balance work, parenting, maintenance of a home, being emotionally and physically present as well as a community member, being an extended family member and performing a myriad of other tasks. As we gather today to honor mothers and those who step up to perform all the duties of being a mother let’s remember that support needs to arrive in the form of action.  Some of the proposals to Congress by the current administration address such basic needs as child care assistance.  If we are serious about honoring the roles and duties of those who are the de facto mothers we need to provide those resources and tools which honors the fact that parenting is a full time job. When we treat it as a part time, minimum wage (or less) job which one does with extra change and bottom of the barrel energy left over at the end of the “work” day, vocal support or praise is meaningless.    Flowers or a meal one day of the year does not pay the bills, infuse one with the needed health benefits of sleep, buy gas to chauffeur children to their after school activities, or help one take on the duties of teacher while children are remotely attending school.  One cannot pay the dependable, safe, effective  child care person with a rose petals and a left over chicken bone. 


Grandma Fannie would suggest that if, as a community, we are serious about mother’s day we need to:  “Put your money where your mouth is.”




Written May 9, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

Spiritual awakening


I was talking to a person whose life has been transformed by a serious commitment to using the 12-step program of narcotics anonymous. As is true for many others, prior to joining others in using the principles and steps of this program, his addictive thoughts and behavior wreaked havoc in his life and left him feeling alone and without hope. 


Not everyone finds the framework of the NA program - the principles and the steps -  works for them.  The are many other frameworks which have proven effective.   Some of them do not include having to face the pain of a concept of god which many have experienced as rejecting and punishing.  All of them, however, challenge one to accept one’s interconnectedness with all other beings and with all of nature (creation/the universes).  All of them require that one make an honest attempt to face and accept oneself as one is.  From earliest writers such as Plato, prophets of various religions and later teachers/seekers of truth and meaning, the primary moral imperative is to know thyself.  Knowing oneself requires honesty, humility and a sense of humor.  I might suggest that a sense of humor may be the most important.  It seems axiomatic that no other animal or being takes itself as seriously as do us humans.  Some animals do, in fact, take their survival and, thus, their territory very seriously.  Even trees and other plant life “naturally” communicate with and affect the life process around them.  There is no evidence, however, that trues, plants or any other life forms, except humans,  produce volumes of essays or treatises on the meaning of life or the moral imperatives which will allow one to attempt to fulfill that purpose. Us humans often go to great lengths to avoid knowing ourselves.


If one is very lucky, at some point one has what I refer to as a spiritual awakening. This is not a single happening, but a lifelong process of acceptance; acceptance that us humans are a tiny spec for the briefest of moments in the ongoing drama of the universes.   Yet, we are each a necessary cast member even when our role seems to require no more than walk on moments. Even those seemingly insignificant roles demand that we be present and awake; that our focus be only on being in that role.  In those moments we cannot be concerned with what we did yesterday or might do tomorrow; what another thinks of us; whether we are the most important or best dressed or reside in the largest castle. 


A program for spiritual awakening such as the 12 step programs ends with step 12 which is paradoxically the beginning of step 1.  Step 12, whether in the words of NA, one of the other 12 step program or the summary of one of Immanuel Kant volumes, states:


            “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this
            message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”




Both parts are essential.   One can substitute all others for the term addicts.  It indeed takes a village and the village is the universe(s).  Each person, worm, insect, tree, plant, tribe, rock is a necessary part of the whole.  We must accept all to the table.  This requires that we do something which for many of us humans is an anathema  - to suspend judgment of others - throw away that excel spread sheet on which we carefully track the comparative score of the shortcomings of all of us.  Secondly, we must, being the humans that we are, continue to remind ourselves that we are powerless/not the center of the universe, connected to the whole,  humbly take a moral inventory, admit when we are wrong, share with others and make amends when appropriate.  In short, we have to continue to know ourselves, be honest, laugh often at our own insecurities and futile attempts to mask who we are, dance wildly in our outrageous consumes, and accept the humanness of ourselves and others in the role de jour we are assigned. 


This is a daily and perhaps for many of us a minute-by-minute practice of getting to know and accepting ourselves - of having that spiritual awakening which delights in being a part of something which includes us but which is more than our sacred, insignificant, paradoxical selves.


Written May 7, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org