​Addiction to a person (s)?


I have previously written about whether one can become addicted to a person.  Although there is some professional disagreement about whether addiction is the correct term for those with this condition or state of mind there is no question as its validity. The symptoms or characteristics of this disorder include:


·       The inability to let go of a relationship with another person or group of people despite                        repeated evidence that they cannot or will not consistently treat one with love and respect.


·       Holding on to an irrational belief that this person can or will fill the void within
            one.


·       The belief that one can only be at peace if another person(s) behaves the way one
            “knows they are capable of behaving” (capable of being the perfect friend
            partner, boss, or colleague). 


·       The irrational belief that one needs a particular person and cannot be okay on one’s
            own.


·       Being willing to give up any semblance of self- respect to stay connected to this
            person.


If one has experienced or talks to anyone who has been addicted to alcohol, other drugs, food, sex, things or any other substance one will recognize the same symptomatic, irrational relationship. 


Just recently I read Hunter Biden’s biography Beautiful Things, This bright, highly educated, normally rational, loving, good man who was and is unconditionally loved by healthy people was kidnapped by his addiction to alcohol and other drugs.   The addiction caused him to behave in ways which consistently violated his core values.    Addiction to a person has the same tragic results, One may find the addiction is to a series of similar people, none of whom have the ability to fill the void one has inside of one or has the ability to be in a healthy relationship.   


Some will use the term attachment instead of addiction to describe the dynamics of an irrational, abusive relationship.  Despite all evidence to the contrary, one becomes attached to the belief that if one does or says the “right” thing the person will magically morph into the person who can love them unconditionally or fill the void within one.  One “knows” the person has the ability to be the person they say they want to be.  The person may abuse one overtly and covertly time after time. If one indicates that one cannot take any more abuse the person profusely begs forgiveness and promises to change. A honeymoon period follows, but eventually the abuse resumes.  The pattern repeats over and over again.  An entire family or small group may exhibit this pattern of behavior.  This family may, in fact, be one’s biological family of origin or the family who adopted and raised one.   One connects “family” with “love” which in this case is abusive.  One knows that the Hallmark ads promises love comes from a family and “believes” that if one behaves in the “right” manner one will receive what one needs from this family. One returns again and again to this family and is tragically hurt again and again.   They simply do not have what one wants or needs.  I often suggest that the person who keeps “looking for love in all the wrongs places” go to the neighborhood convenient store and tell the clerk they want to purchase a new car.  The clerk says that they do not carry new cars.  One returns the next day and the next day but they still do not sell cars. Perhaps there is a desperate person hanging out near the convenience store who will promise to sell one a car. One buys the car only to have the police come to collect the stolen car.  


If all evidence proves that a particular person, family or other group does not have what one needs or wants and, yet, one returns time and time again expecting a magical transformation one may be addicted to or have an attachment to a person, family or other groups.  The problem is not with the person or group of people any more than the problem is with alcohol, another drug, food, sex, power or things.  The problem is one holds on to one’s irrational expectation, demand, hope, or delusional beliefs despite all evidence to the contrary.


It is time to identify and work on the actual issue.  It is time for one to surrender to the reality that one will never find what one needs “out there”.   One does not need another person, substance, thing, food, sex or power to complete one or to avoid being with oneself. One can surrender to the truth that one is enough; that one has what one needs to face and live life on life’s terms.  Hunter Biden had unconditional love, possessions, a fine intellect and some core beliefs.  He was not missing anything to be a whole person before or after his brother mother, sister, and later brother Beau died.  Of course, he grieved and mourned the loss of these people, but even if they had lived he would have had to come to an acceptance that he was enough; that he had what he needed to live a full and meaningful life.   Obviously, there will always be a deep sense of loss but he is complete in and of himself. What Hunter has with his wife, children, dad and other relatives as well as friends is not the same as what he had with or might have had with his mom, sister or Beau but what he has is real and can be trusted.


When one lets go of the demand that the abusive person, family or group becomes who one has decided they should be one is able to give oneself what one needs.   One can love them unconditionally for who they are.  One does not need to invite them on one’s journey, but one also does not need to judge them or be angry with them for being who they are.  One can then finally practice being at peace, be grateful for who one already is and accept the love of healthy people.


Written May 5 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

 
 
No pain, no gain
 
Many of us grew up being taught that intellectual, spiritual, and emotional, and physical growth is often uncomfortable and sometime downright painful.   Adults I admired such as Grandma Fannie, my Aunt Pleasant and Uncle Harold and some of my favorite teachers frequently reminded me, “No pain, no gain.”   
 
Often when working for/with those healing from active addiction, various trauma, including loss, I am reminded of this important lesson.  
 
I find it ironic that in the Oklahoma and other state legislatures bills are being proposed and which have a good chance of being passed seem designed to ensure that students in public schools, colleges and universities will not have to be taught anything uncomfortable dealing with the history of racism, sexism, gender identity or similar issues.   In fact, the proposed bills would forbid the teaching of critical race theory or mandatory gender or sexual diversity training or counseling.  On the surface some the requirements in the proposed bill in Oklahoma make sense stating that “no teacher, administrator or other employee of a school district, chartered school or virtual charter school shall require or make part of a course the following concepts:
 
·       one race or sex is inherently superior to another race or sex,
 
·       an individual, by virtue of his or her race or sex, is inherently racist, sexist or oppressive, whether consciously or unconsciously
 
·       an individual shall not be discriminated against or receive adverse treatment solely or partly because of his or her race or sex
·       Member of one race or sex cannot and should not attempt to treat others without respect to race or sex.,
 
What could possibly be wrong with these and other similar proposals?  The goal of a teacher or any other employee of a school system is never to deliberately make people feel uncomfortable and certainly not at the expense of another.   What is wrong is that in my experience a key behavior which led to systemic racism, sexism and other forms of oppression was the fact that we have all too often in the schools in these United States, left out painful, uncomfortable truths about the history of race relationships, treaties, and overall treatment based on race, gender and sexual orientation. These subjects were and are often considered uncomfortable. Indeed we have often taught that the Caucasian race is superior; that males are more deserving of certain rights and privileges; that one must live with the gender assigned at birth; romantically one must love only those of the same gender; honoring treaties is not important; and the United States is inherently superior to other nations.
 
In school I did not learn that I have a responsibility as a privileged white male to let go of some of the fruits of my privilege; to change a system which benefits me; to be in an equal partner in marriage relationships; to pay my share of respirations. I did not learn that because of systemic racism, sexism or other forms of oppression I have internalized racist attitudes.  I did not learn certain childhood rhymes systematically taught me to think in oppressive ways. I did not learn that if I wanted a more just and peaceful world for myself, future children and grandchildren I had to learn to identify and change many of my thinking and behavioral habits.
 
 
Grandma Fannie, my parents, Aunt Please and Uncle Harold, some teachers and other mentors taught me that I am strong enough to face life on life’s terms; I do not get to avoid tough issues because they are painful or uncomfortable.  Whether it was farm chores, emotional or spiritual issues if I complained that I was uncomfortable or tired I was reminded that I was strong and expected to cope with the discomfort.  Although there was no shortage of help and support no one condescendingly patted me on the head and said, “Poor Jim, this is too tough or uncomfortable for you.”  Hugs were available but no pats on the head.
 
This is the same approach in my work with/for those who employ me to walk with them on their healing journey.  In my office hugs are always available, but there are no pats on the head.
 
Ironically, many of those supporting bills limiting issues which can be addressed in school settings, are the least supportive of those dealing with addiction and are the first to promote treating addicts as criminals.  Yet addicts need to know that they are loved and they are strong enough to face their addiction and get help; that they are not too weak or fragile to face life on life’s terms.   I just finished Hunter Biden’s biography Beautiful Things.  His deceased brother, dad, step mother, current wife, and numerous other family members never withheld love and never told him he was weak or fragile.  They respected the power of addictive illness  and his pain while also honoring his strength. Addicts do not feel strong, connected to a larger community or to a power greater than oneself but, in fact, we are all stronger and more connected than we feel.  We can deal with our part in systemic racism and other forms of oppression.  We can live with the discomfort and focus, not on guilt and shame, but on accountability, amends and change. Bills such as ones forbidding what is being terms critical race theory are a thinly disguised attempt to pat sensitive, mostly white males, on the head and say, “There, there, this is too uncomfortable for your fragile self.”  This bills are not accurate, kind, helpful or well intentioned. If passed, teachers and all of us responsible for education must courageously and consistently practice civil disobedience and teach a history that will result in meaningful change.
 
Witten May 3, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 
 ​

Sunday Musings - May 2, 2021


As we begin the month of May, the second May of living with a pandemic, the first with a new President of the United States, just one of many during which all must face the fact that access to medications necessary for life itself and access to healthy, organic fresh food is often limited to the relatively wealthy as is access to many cultural - food for the soul - events.  


Most of us no longer live in places where we can grow or raise our own food and are nor surrounded by a large extended family/community which includes talented musicians, bakers and others who feed all parts of each other.  Some of us have access to health care although in the United States insurance companies, including the government issued Medicare and Medicaid as well as the Veterans Administration, limit access to certain medications and procedures.


Last evening I attended an opera performance which honored and celebrated black composers.  The mid-priced tickets were $25.00. The processing charge was $10.00, 2/5th of the ticket price.  This was very inexpensive for this type of event. Yet, for many, it was not affordable and certainly not affordable if 4 or more family members wanted to attend.   The same is true for museums.  It is true that some museums have a free day - usually during the week - for city residents.  Yet, for the most part, in person cultural events (non- pandemic times) are not available to the average person or family.


We are in the midst of a pandemic.   Access to vaccines is controlled by patents in many places. Even if patent access is lifted, access to processes for making the vaccines may be kept secret and protected.  CNN.com reports “The various Covid-19 vaccines currently being distributed around the globe have the potential to end the worst pandemic in a century. They also will mean hundreds of billions dollars in sales for the pharmaceutical companies that make them.”  Even if priced at $20.00 per doze billions of doses are needed around the world.  


Just this morning I had a dozen or more emails in my in box decrying the “socialist” policies or recommendations of the Biden administration.  One wonders in a nation which still likes to pretend as if it is a “Christian’ nation (never was) how the sharing of resources got to be such a negative, unpatriotic, immoral concept.  One wonders how one can claim to be Christian and basically decide that a very large percentage of the population is disposal. We have a long history of treating certain individuals as robots who can be purchased or mass produced (otherwise known as slaves).  Do we honestly believe that we as a country which treats a very large percentage of its population as disposable can thrive long term?


On this Sunday, many will gather remotely or increasingly in person in so called Christian churches and worship a man named Jesus whose profit margin on bread and wine he multiplied, on the fish caught, or on the lessons he taught was not even considered.  Yet the name of Jesus will be associated with independence and not interdependence (outside the circle of believers), anti-socialist, capitalist policies which, in essence, must actively or passively support laws and customs which results in the majority of the population being disposable.   This is not Christian, Muslim, Buddhist or moral by any standard. 


In the midst of this darkness, there is the bright light of those who through the spoken word, music, dance, painting and other art forms declare that freedom shall prevail; that there are no disposal people, there is no private property but only resources to be shared; that love is a verb; that no one has the right to own what is essential for life.   This is the message of all the radical, socialist, misfit, homeless, unemployed carpenters types otherwise known as spiritual teachers.   


Written May 2, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

Moving on’


A 1974-1976 television series entitled “Movin’ On”. Staring Claude Akins and Frank Converse depicted two men in a big rig hauling loads for and otherwise helping folks they meet on the road. 


This week I listened to a Fresh Air interview with Terry Gross  talking with Stephen Colbert.  He talked a lot about loss; the loss of his father and siblings when he was young, the loss of President Biden’s first wife and daughter in 1972 and later the loss of his son.  Mr. Colbert also talked about his personal losses as well as the losses most of us feel related to the pandemic and the loss of a certain innocence related to the false history many of us were taught.


Both Stephen Colbert and President Biden have historically been able following acute losses to find the strength to put one foot in front of the other and have move on to the next stage of their life journey.


Once again, I found myself seeking the key to what allows one person or family to move on and another to become stuck in grief and, thus, unable to move on.  Many of my friends have found the strength and courage to move on. Yet, I have known and know many individuals who get permanently mired in the grief stage and who are unable to move on to the mourning stage. Of course, no one ever completely moves through the mourning stage.  Most of us periodically visit that “what if?” place in our minds.  What if we had found a way to make a marriage work? What if we had been able to find that miracle which allowed our child to live? What if a cure for addiction had been found and all those who have and continue to die of this terrible illness could be resurrected?  What if a loved one had never been on that plane?  What if a loved one had delayed their automobile trip by 5 minutes. What if I had been exactly the parent my son or daughter needed?  What if my brain and mouth had not taken a leave of absence and my job or personal relationship could be restored?


President Biden, I and many others would say, “I just put one foot in front of the other.”  Many, such as Hunter Biden, do get into a recovery program for addiction and go on to lead lives which have deep meaning and purpose.  Many parents who have lost a child continue to experience moments or periods of intense grief but are able most days to put one foot in front of another and even to reach out to comfort others.  Many children are able to forgive their parents of the most egregious “sins” and move on to a loving relationship, albeit one devoid of the innocence of many parent child relationships.   Others are unable to move on.


The question is what might help that person stuck in grief, anger, resentment, unfairness or hopelessness move on from grief to morning.  Platitudes are not comforting and do not work.
Many persons feel unable to put one foot in front of the other and “move on”.  What causes such immobility?  Some possible causes might be:


·       Clinical depression or other mental illness which is not responding to treatment or is
            untreated.


·       Some other neurological condition.


·       Another medical condition such as a thyroid dysfunction or low iron which acutely affects one’s energy level.


·       A spiritual crisis; not being able to imagine a life without a particular person (s); loss of
            faith in a benevolent god.


·       Feeling/believing as if the anger is all that is protecting one.


·       Shame or fear of reaching out for help.


·       Habit of feeding false beliefs.


·       Overthinking rather than acting.


If one has been unable to move on, one first needs a thorough medical exam including extensive blood work.  If a treatable condition is identified, one should begin treatment if at all possible. One may also find that counseling/psychotherapy can then help one identify and change those beliefs which are preventing one from moving on.  Often, just being “heard” by a therapist and, in the process, hearing oneself is helpful.  Shopping for a therapist can be frightening and exhausting. Keep trying.  Enlist the strength of a family member or other friend if available. Each step will take very intentional movement of those leaded feet but one step at a time we can all move forward.


Written April 30, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett


oachpickett.org

Witness , observe or comatose


I have often suggested a healthy person is both an observer and an actor in this life journey.  Observing is, in my opinion, the action of attending in detail to what is happening.  If one is both the observer and the actor one might notice that one is non-judgmentally noticing whether one is acting or reacting; whether one’s behavior is consistent with one’s core values; whether one’s action is a result of giving power to another, whether one has accepted an invitation from another to a negative space.  One of my primary spiritual teachers suggested that if the goal is to grow spiritually - to more consistently act in accordance with one’s core values or spiritual goals - one will not judge an action as good or bad but merely lovingly notice.  I understand this to mean if the action/thought is not one which one wants to repeat one’s energy needs now to be available to being more intentional in the future.   Judging  consumes a lot of energy and, paradoxically, is more likely to result in one repeating an unwanted thought or behavior.


One might observe one’s own behavior, that of another or that of some other animal, plant or event.  An anthropologist or other scientist is usually dispassionately observing and recording what happens.  They are not normally seeking to establish an intimate relationship with what they are observing. That would change what they are observing.


The author/contributor of wikidiff.com suggests to witness an action or event “is to furnish proof of, to show.”  Many of us have frequently been observers, but not witnesses to acts of oppression.   The history of the United States is rife with incidences of, at best, observing, but not witnessing.  Lynching’s, for example, were often treated as a social event.  The fact that the primary history of lynching are the postcards depicting them attests to this fact.  The fact that Jim Crow laws were and are allowed to continue attests to this fact.  The fact that females continue to often earn less than males for the same work attends to this fact. The fact that school funding is all too often local attests to this fact.  The fact health care is considered a benefit one has to earn and not something which all of us deserve attests to this fact.


People of color have historically in the United States born witness to racism - acts of oppression.  The Black Lives Matter movement consists of those determined to bear witness to murder of black males by police as well as other overt acts violence. The rage which erupted and continues to erupt in many places in the United States bears witness to the murder of George Floyd and others; to the attachment of many in these United States to the use of lethal force as if many individuals and communities are disposable.  The more recent insistence that officials in Tulsa, Oklahoma finally acknowledge the massacre of the people of Greenwood and the destruction of the community is an act of attempting to bear witness.  


Poems, music, dance and other creative acts bear witness; furnish proof of how we treat each other and Mother Earth.


Many people in these United States are no longer willing to be passive observers but are committed to bearing witness.   A witness insists on meaningful change.  A witness is present to the pain and the joy of all they observe.   A witness cannot be dispassionate.  One cannot endlessly absorb the pain, joy, confusion, death, hurt or ecstasy of another without passionate eruptions.  Anyone who has participated in “church” in the African American Community; in a native dance; in a wake; in a Greek wedding knows they will experience all the intense emotions which are stored in each of us.   A witness demands one’s attention.


For too many of us are not observers or witnesses.   We do not notice much less bear witness.  We craft a life which blocks out sight, sound, emotional energy and the taste of anything which  might change the channel portraying the world we want to believe is the one and only “real” one. We are then are shocked when it is no longer the winner of all they Oscars. 


Written April 27, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

Sunday Musings - April 25, 2021


Since the jury found Derek Chauvin guilty there have been six more fatal shootings by police in the United States.  Some of the those killed were alleged to have weapons.  In all cases, the police had lethal weapons.  Each case may have presented a dangerous and complicated situation.   I am not suggesting that we have given the police easy tasks.   As many have already stated, public safely requires experts in various fields who are trained to diffuse potentially dangerous situations.   We cannot just tell the police to not use lethal force.  We have to provide realistic options.   Some options which have been suggested by community members, elected and appointed officials, include:


            Do not foot chase alleged violators of various laws.  Many foot chases are going
            to result in more violence than the original concern.


            Do not car chase alleged violator of various laws.


            Decriminalize all drugs use. Follow Portugal’s example for drug dealers.
We do not go after pharmaceutical companies with guns although we may pursue them       in a court of law. 


            Change federal laws to regulate gun manufacture.


            Tighten laws about who could own guns not used to hunt for food.


            Behavioral change - teach non-lethal ways to problem solve.


            Religious bodies quit making assumptions that only some lives are worthwhile.
           
            End capital punishment. (Quit asserting that killing is the only viable way to problem
            solve.)


It is way past time to decide in this United States of America that:


            All lives matter.


            People are more important than property. It is never okay to kill to defend property.


            Punishment does not work.   Behavioral change does. If we treat people as less than
            sacred they are not going to trust that they can become a valuable part of the
            community.


Close all jail/prisons.  We may still need some secure places for those who are unable to consider the needs to others.  This is not punishment and are not “snake pit” mental
            illness warehouses.


            Tell the truth to ourselves and others. Do not pretend to care about the rights of others
            while passing new Jim Crow type laws.


            Do the next right thing because it is the next right thing and just because one is
            frightened or otherwise uncomfortable.


            As humans accept that it is okay to be imperfect, fumbling, stumbling, fragile, strong,
            creative, limited, fearful, courageous creatures.


           
All readers could, I am sure, add to this list.  If we truly want to stop violence we must take responsibility for our active or passive roles in supporting verbal, physical, emotional and spiritual violence.   This morning I listened to a new podcast entitled Resistance hosted by Saidu Tejan-Thomas Jr and Courtney Vance. The episode to which I listened was entitled “F... Your Water Fountain.  For the younger viewer who may not have lived with more blatant Jim Crow laws, not that long ago in many places in the United States there were public water fountains, bathrooms, hotels, and other facilities which were designated as “whites only”.    I am old enough to remember these in the area surrounding our nation’s capital. If I went anywhere with a black friend we could and were denied access to basic facilities including public restrooms and restaurants. The clear message was and still often is that some are more worthwhile or deserving of basic human rights.  Every positive change which has occurred has occurred because many have stood up (often non-violentently) and said “F...Your Water Fountain.”    


If this life journey has any meaning or any purpose beyond survival then daily we must, with love, be willing to say at work, in the public realm, and in legislative bodies, F... “Your Water Fountain.”


In the Christian tradition this requires one to say that Grace - God’s unconditional love - applies to all.  It cannot be something we just mouth.  All of us have to be willing to metaphorically say in the walls off church/synagogues/temples, “F...Your Water Fountain.” No matter the form the white only, heterosexual only, republican only, male only, young only, a participant cultural heritage only, Israeli only, Arab only, United Sates only takes we must say with love - not guns - “No more. No More. No more. F... Your Water Fountain.


Written April 25, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org






           

Both and


Us humans often seem to get caught in the attachment to one opinion, one view of reality, or one way of doing something.   This phenomenon is particularly noticeable in the body politic, whether with legislative bodies, church organizations or other institutions.  Of course, most of us have also born witness to this reality in our family of origin and family of choice.


I was reminded of this phenomenon while listening to a journalist on public radio reporting on the history of how we in the United States dealt with the HIV epidemic. In the beginning it was the AIDS epidemic. Many of us spent an inordinate amount of time in the funeral homes or shouting, begging, demanding that someone in a position of authority even utter the word AIDS and epidemic; someone in a position of authority acknowledge that sons and some daughters were dying of what was then euphemistically known as the gay plague. In the midst of this anguish several things happened:


Activists  - many of whom were members of the LGBT community  - began to talk about those living with AIDS versus those dying with AIDS.


            Communities began to organize AIDS tasks forces which helped find access to health
            care, supplies meals and hold hands.  They also began the buddy program which
            assigned a volunteer to help with practical issues including cleaning, grocery shopping
            and tons of loving support.


            The AIDS quilt project started when biological and intentional family members created
            quilt squares to memorialize those who had died of AIDS.   The initial quilt pieces were
            often angry shouts saying  “Notice our brothers and sisters.”  Eventually many mothers
            began to donate quilt pieces denoting many happy memories with symbols of the
            achievements of the child they had lost.


The community often operated as one and, as is often true for any family also fought over what action they should be taking.   Even with the quilt there were those who thought the message needed to be consistently angry and not one of happy memories.


One can hear the same chorus of opinions about the covid pandemic.  “Blame the Chinese. Don’t trust the vaccine.   Take covid seriously.  It kills. Don’t worry, it is no worse than the flue. Lockdown.  Don’t lockdown.  Wear masks.  Don’t wear masks.”


One can observe the same dynamic towards a variety of other issues including:


            Immigrations or refugee?  Criminals or victims?  Givers or takers.


            Mental illness or taking responsibility.  


            My reality vs your reality.


            My religion vs your religion.  Our religion vs their religion.


            Race versus social construct.


            Sexual orientation choice versus accepting who one is.




I am sure all the readers of this blog could add pages of items to this list.
Very often one finds that in any setting we can move to problem solving if we are willing to  acknowledge two or more versions of the truth.  Even with such emotional issues as racism it is easy to get caught in an argument.  A friend of mine says, there is no racism in this community.  It is true that in her world and in her mind there is a no admittance to racist views or other action.  It is equally true that in my world and my mind I cannot go 24 hours without personally witnessing an example of behavior I experience as racist.   Both realities are true.  If one keeps one’s world small enough one may not witness racist attitudes or behavior.  The same is true for a host of other issues.  


Although it is true that none of us can truly walk in the shoes of another, we can invite and accept invitations to walk with another.  The emotions depicted in the AIDS quilt demonstrate this.    The angry quilt panels screamed “notice that people are dying.  Do Something.  We are  worth saving.”  The seemingly happy panels cried, “This was my child who laughed, played, sang, dances, loved, cried and brought joy to our hearts. Please quit erasing his or hyper humaneness because of who he or she loved.”   This was essentially the same message as the angry panels depicted.


We often talk about victims and perpetrators and, yet social science studies consistently validate that most  perpetrators are victims and most victims will go on to perpetrate in some manner.  It is true that some perpetrators  - perhaps even most - are not consciously aware of the relationship between their arrogant righteous anger and their pain.  Those still in active addiction may only know they “must” find ways and means to get more;  to feed the compulsion in their head.  They may not know the source of pain which may have led them to seek numbness or disconnectedness.


Perhaps our modern technology invites us to gingerly step towards a world which is not “either or” but “both and”.


Written April 19, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett, LPC, AADC
coachpickett.org






           


           

Sunday Musings – April 18, 2021
Be safe


Daily I talk with individuals who are well into their adult years, but who are still reacting to life events as if they are a helpless child depended on a parent or parent figure who are unable to protect them.  When a stimulus is repeatedly paired with a sound, feeling, sight, object or smell one learns to react to that stimulus in a self-protective manner.   War veterans, those who have lived with a violent spouse, or another emotionally and/or physically violent person have learned to be very self-protective.  Often the stimulus becomes generalized to a wide variety of triggers. 


Additionally, there are those who maintain that all of us carry historical trauma in our bodies. If one lives with current trauma this just adds to what is already stored.  Resmma Menakem discusses this in depth in his book My Grandmother’s Hands.  In this life journey we can experience more trauma which is the direct result of the behavior of others.   Four months into this calendar year in the United States there have been 150 mass shootings in the United States resulting in 148 deaths and 485 total wounded.  This does not include the combat related deaths, those who live with daily domestic violence, addiction, mental illness, racism or a host of other traumatic situations.  Recently I talked with a person whose mother would lock he and his brother in a room all day with just a bucket for a toilet. He learned that home was not safe, adults were not to be trusted and showing vulnerability was not allowed.   He does not know the history of trauma his mother brought to her role as parent.


I have never talked to a black man in this culture, regardless of education, professio who has not experienced being harassed by police and learning the police are to be feared.  I have never talked to a black parent who did not daily worry about the safely of their child.


It is no wonder that so many feel as if they cannot bear the pain of this life journey.  It is a wonder that so many of all races and backgrounds manage, in spite of their history of trauma, to walk tall and proud; to  create safe and loving homes for their families;  to become creative change agents for the community.


The good news is that most of us can create a loving circle of healing people who encourage each other; love each other unconditionally and share resources such as the exercises therapists such as Resmma Menakem recommend.  


We are all the walking wounded but not everyone knows the source of their  wounds,   Many have perfected the art of arrogance, ignorance, numbness, isolation, or angry self-righteousness. Many are attached to these masks under which they hide their pain.  


I saw a video of a police officer harassing and physically threading a black man whom he said did not belong is his neighborhood. Yet,  I also noted I know nothing of the pain and fear which the police officer carries in the cells holding up the well-toned muscles.  The manicured lawns  and well-tended houses in the “nice” neighborhood and his role as a police officer told us nothing of the fear of not being enough which underlies his racism.     Many of us carefully mold our worth on the backs of the myths we feed ourselves. Trauma and fear often lead one to believe that they only have worth if they are better than, stronger that, have more guns than, live in a more polished cage or have perfected the art of superior distain.


I said to the young man who was abused as a child.  “We are adults now.  We can creates our safe healing circles of love and healing.  It is safe to trust until we find a reason to not trust. It is safe to let loved ones see our pain and our joy.  


We can create safe havens regardless of religious beliefs or other constructs which provide a sense of community.  We do not have to keep enslaving each other in the stored traumas. In  safe havens we can be unconditionally loved and cared for.    a Not everyone is going to hurt us.  If one is black one may not be able to find a safe haven on the streets or even in many churches, but one can create new institutions which welcome the god of one’s understanding or no god but the goodness of love and healing.   We can create a dance which releases the pain.  We are adults. We can claim our freedom. We are. We are. We are.

Written April 18, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

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The myth of working class


In some political circles there seems to be a lot of discussion about the vote of “the working class”.  Although part of me has a general idea of what politicians and commentators intend to imply when they use this term, on another level, it is very confusing.    I think what is intended to imply is the group of people who do physical labor for which one may be highly trained and reasonably paid but does not require a college degree.    Working class often have jobs which are directly and quickly affected by changes in overall economic conditions and  environmental concerns. They are often compared to the middle class or upper class who may also work very hard but which are differently affected by general economic factor and environmental concerns.  One of the misnomers regarding the difference in class is that formal education separates them.  The working class is often thought of as less educated.  Another myth might be that they are easily swayed by appeals to patriotism and sticking to their own kind.  The myth is also the are more likely to listen to music which promotes an either or message  and a simple concept of a Christian God. There are many mythical stereotypes of the working man or woman.


In physics work is defined as the energy transferred to or from an object via the application of force along a displacement.  Using this definition whether one is using the force of one’s mind and voice  to teach or persuade someone or the force of one’s body to move an object one is working.  


What then is the purpose of positing a difference between the persons who works in a coal mine, a road project,  plowing a field or presenting a case in a court of law? The purpose seems to ensure that a person align himself or herself with a particular group which then must be in opposition to other socially constructed group.  If various social constructed groups are fighting with each other they will not be focused on the  fact that their interests and needs are the same.  Those with a vested interest in creating this dynamic so they can gain or maintain power will do all they can to feed the socially constructed differences.


What if we agree we all working class?  What if our basic needs and wants are very similar?  What might those wants and needs be?  I suspect, regardless of the type of work we are doing, hunting in the woods or the supermarket; driving a sports car or a pickup; wearing suits, overall, pants, dress or jeans, we share the same basic goals. We all want:


            To be loved and respected by others - spouse, parents, siblings, children
            To be considered worthwhile- to be admired or valued.
To leave a positive legacy.


Sadly we all too often fall victim to the temptation to prove our worth by comparing ourselves with each other;  believing that we have to be more than, better then, or richer than . We may decide we have “the answers” and others are wrong with their answers.   We buy into the social constructs of race, class, age,  looks, nationality, religion or some other. We get fearful and desperately reach out to grab onto such constructs as the working class person vs the non-working class person.  We may decide that we need to prove our worth by having more than which means that we much make sure others have less.   There are a myriad of ways that we fall victim to “us vs them”. 




The use of language is a particularly effective way of convincing many of us to compete with each other rather than joining together as a community.  We will act as a community if we do not allow politicians and others to convince us that our goals are only achievable if we accept the social constructs which are designed to ensure a few others obtain or maintain a power base. We can assist each other in being more conscious of the use of language to create or enforce an us versus them.  We can refuse to fall victim to this attempt.


Written April 14, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org